McDeezy journal

i cant do this crap anymore. life is really beggining to get to me. as far as stress from school. trying to keep my shit together and at the same time make everyone elses situation ok. i feel like shit in every way possible. i cant eat. i cant focus. i made the biggest mistake ever by breaking up with my girlfriend. its horrible. i mean, we aren't broken up. we are "on a break". but now she tells me she doesnt know what to say to me. and she is trying to stay way from me so i can get all of my stuff done. all i said is that we should be less involved for a while. but now she is trying to stay away from me completely. i didnt want that.i dont want any of this anymore. its just way to mch to handle. it is so hrd to go from the worry free me to being worried about everything that is going on. it makes things so complicated. i want out. only 10 more days and i am out of here. i am so scared. i hope all of my stuff is together and in order by then so i can actually graduate and be done with this place and all of the stress. i'm done.

at the moment i am sitting in first block IWE in the main office. it is straight up boring. no work to do yet. i have my camera i think i am going to film a little for my senior project. basically doing a teen life documentary. interviewing some people as well as following people around to see what they do and how they interact with others. not sure what i'm going to do today. no conditioning. but i do have a final day of hiting camp up at CSUEB. that shit will be boring as hell. this livejournal is my sanctum for first block. my escape from the endless boredom. its rediculous. bout to turn on the camre in a second and talk a little, film me typing in the livejournal. just show what i do just about every day. so at the moment the camera is on my hands. just watching me type away on this damn thing. i plan on just filming parts of my day and then later on when we have all of the footage together put it in and do a voice over and just basically explain what it is i am doing and why and shit like that. i think thats a pretty good idea. but now i have ot go deliver some crap to some teachers so i'll catch you cool cats on the flip side.

so i'm once again sitting in first block doing absolutely nothing. AGAIN! but no matter. gives me time to think about stuff. and currently i am thinking about my girlfriends ex-boyfriend. this guy is such a fool. he is still totally stuck on her and they broke up over like 4 months ago. i can't blame him for being stuck on her, she is such an awesome girl and anyone would want to be with her. but she seriously does not like him at all. she doesnt talk to him at all and she doesnt like walking passed him because they had a kinda bad relationship. he was one of those possesive boyfriends who jus showed off the fact that he was going out with her but didnt really have strong feelings for her. anyways, he totally hates the fact that me and her are together. icould care less. i think its hella funny though. yesterday after i got changed for baseball conditioning, i was alking through the locker room looking for a friend. and he was walking passed me and he kinda puffed out his chest and tried to like shoulder me or something. trying to be a tough guy. so i just stopped right in front of him and gave him a shoulder in the chest. i think he will think twice before he has any more bright ideas of trying to bump into me. then i guess during the school day one of ashley's friends has P.E. with him, and he went up to her and grabbed her hand and kised it and said " give that to ashley for me" she told him no and walked off. he is totally jealous of me and ashley. i feel kinda bad because i never thought anyone would have any reason to be jealous of me. its kinda funny when you think about it. he tried to talk to ashley the other day when i wasn't around. she told me all about it. she said he told her he is hella jealous because when ever he sees me and her together he always sees happiness in her face. and he said she never looked like that when they were together. and she told him it was because he treated her like shit and she didnt like him. he asked why they couldnt be friends and she basically told him she didnt want to be friends with him. i feel bad. i dot want to make people feel bad or make people jealous. but when it comes to ashley i would do anything to keep her happy. and i know that being with her is the biggest thing i can do. and it is more than enough to make me happy. hopefully this guy will realize that we have strong feelings for eachother and don't plan on breaking up. i hope this kid can grow up and move on because it would be best for him to do so. but who knows, i suppose if i were him i would be the same way. i told her that i couldn't blame him for trying to get back with her because i would do the same if i were in that situation. but she said that there would never be a time when that would happen. and i'm so happy that she said that. i know i would never do anything to make her want to break up withme and i know that no matter what i will always want to be with her. she is amazing. anything and everything i could ever ask for. i'm really lucky to be with her. kinda done writing now. hopefully the day picks up and i wont be so bored. baseball camp @ CSUEB tonight. thats gonna suck. but i have to go because i already paid to go. their all skills camp was garbage. didnt learn a dam thing. but lord knows i could use some help on my hitting and this is suppose to be a good camp. so we'll see how the day goes. maybe i'll write some more later on today.

again in first block. sitting here in the main office with absolutely nothing to do. i have this whole thing planned out to surprise Ashley for christmas. basically i am buying her a few things as well as making a mirror etching for her. also, i am buying a box of freeze dried rose petals. white rose petals. and basically on christmas eve night i am going to take the rose petals and i am going to spread them all over her front yard and porch and walkway and such. and i have htis whole idea that since its winter. and i am spreading white rose petals all over it will be like snow... right? lol... so yea. i plan on doing all that and leaving the presents on her porch. or perhaps a note on the proch for her. then maybe leave the mirror there and bring the rest of the stuff later on that day or something. but like.. i think i am going to talk to her mom or brother and tell one of them to turn off the mtion sensored light on the front porch that night, that way when i am doing evrything if someone just happens to be walking through the house they wont catch me in the act. umm... yea, well i need to start thinking about all of this and planning it out down to the detail that way nothing can go wrong. but i stil have to get the rose-petals. after that i think i will be ready for it. lets just hope everything works out for this damn thing because i think if it all goes the way i hope it will. it will be one of the best christmas' ever! plus i know she loves my surprises so pretty much no matter what it will be a god christmas. then after christmas i think Ashley is trying to get me to go with her and her family to the snow for new years. that would be pretty sweet but i doubt she even asked her parents yet. but we'll jus have to find out later. i'm pretty much dne writing for now because ronald is here and we are talking now and i am out of things to write about so i will make another entry later. PAYCE!!!

Last night was the first time in a while when I actually got a good nights sleep. I totally don't understand how I slept so well either. As you may have read in my previous entry, I am stressing quite a bit over my girlfriend and some stuff she is going through right now. And on top of that I felt like total shit because I am just totally worn out from the week already. Conditioning and the Holiday Hoops tournament. It's all wearing me down both physically and emotionally. But anyways, last night I slept unusually well. But I had a strange dream. Some parts were good and some parts were just random. Of course all of the good parts included my girlfriend because she makes me happier than anyone else. But there were some weird things also. There is this kid that is totally in love with my Ashley, I have no idea who he is. I've seen him around, but I don't know him personally. Anyways, in the dream this kid comes up to me and says " Dude, are we friends or not?" and I respond by saying " Of course, I mean i want to be." and then this kid says " Well if you really are my friend you would break up with Ashley." I told him it wasn't going to happen and then he got upset and walked off. Then I had an encounter with her ex-boyfriend. He is hella stuck on her but she hates his guts. He comes up and tells me I am fucked up for going out with Ashley and that I don't deserve her. And then I call him out on all the stuff that Ashley has told me about him. How she doesn't like him at all and how she says he treated her bad. I don't know why these things happened in my dream. Maybe it's a sign. Saying what I don't know. But I do know that I will never even think about breaking up with her. She is the best thing in my life. And I know I will try my hardest to not do anything to give her any reason to question our relationship. I know we both love eachother very much. And I know we both want this to last forever. So I really have no idea why this dream happened the way it did. But besides that I really can't complain. I had the best nights sleep I have ever had in a long time. And today I feel like a brand new person. Everything feels so right today. I woke up early, went to the store and bought a rose for Ashley. After that I went to Starbucks and got some coffee. Came to school gave Ashley the rose and kissed her. Today is just perfect.

I am in a situation right now where someone who I love very much is in need and i can't be there to comfort her. I really wish i could be there for her and help out and understand the whole situation. But unfortunately it is a very sensitive subject so I'd rather not pry and just do my best to comfort her. I don't know what I should do. I mean there really isn't much I can do other than offer my love and support and hope things get better real soon. Only problem is this situation she's in is causing her to shut out the outside world and be an introvert.(see I pay attention in Andersen's class!)As close as we are to eachother she still has trouble expressing her feelings and opening up to me because she is afraid of what my reaction will be. Early on in our relationship she would question whether or not I really liked her because she felt that I was better than her or too good for her. What she doesn't realize is that I feel like she is more than I deserve. so we are both kind of stuck on that. which keeps our feelings for eachother strong. But I don't know what to do as far as helping her out and making her feel better. I suppose I will just have to wait until tomorrow to see her and do the best that I can to make her feel better. I know that she tells me she is always happy when she is around me, so just being with her should make her feel a little better. I just wish there was something i could do. I feel so helpless. I hope things get better for her. She deserves the best things in life and this is not one of them. Can't wait to see her in the morning.

well, i'm sitting herein first block. working in the main office. i must say the school year is going by somewhat fast but it is so effing boring it hurts. i'm just glad i have relatively easy classes this semester that way i dont have to worry about doing a tn of homework each day. next semester is a diferent story though. i have workouts 3 days a week for baseball. i think i have a pretty damn good chance on making the varsity team. i look around and see all these people who i feel are potential candidates for being cut. we'll just have to see though. but first block ends in about 5 minutes so i'm out for now. i'll continue on this in fourth block perhaps.

friday night. pretty much nothing going on. watching friends and random people being with their boyfriend/girlfriend makes me miss her so much. she doesn't know how much she means to me. for the times i miss her most, this beats it 10 fold. can't wait to see her.

so i'm sitting in english/media class. just chillaxin. supposed to be thinking of a story for our next video. we're doing a ghetto version of sleeping beauty. should be pretty entertaining. i'm pretty bored right now. looking forward to hanging out with my girlfriend after school. after that i dont know what i am doing. no school tomorrow. probly going to san ramon to hang out with a friend before she goes on vacation. she said she is giving me my birthday present. my birthday is on the 21st. dont yet know what i am goign to do. turning 17 years old. or maybe 17 years young.lol. um... yea well i think i'm done for now. jus gonna mess around a little more before class ends.